A County Armagh mother, whose world was shattered after the loss of her teenage daughter on her first night at university almost six years ago, has told how a support group for bereaved parents is helping them move forward together.
And Sandra Larmour, from Newtownhamilton, is encouraging others who have similarly suffered the heartbreaking loss of their child to come along and “give it a go”.
Daughter Jeni had just started a degree in architecture at Newcastle University in October 2020 and her whole life lay ahead of her.
But she died after taking drugs given to her on her first night there.
In the years that have passed since, Sandra – who works in HR and has a son, Daniel – has been sharing her experiences with others, as they support each other, through Anam Cara.
Sandra spoke to Armagh I ahead of two free bereavement information events being hosted by the all-island charity in Belfast, on April 21 and 22, which are aimed at bereaved parents and professionals working with them.
Here in Armagh, a monthly meeting takes place at the City Hotel, on the last Wednesday of each month, from September through to June, and is open to anyone who has lost a child.
For Sandra, and others like her, it has been a lifeline to help her cope with her grief and find the strength to go forward day by day.
She explained: “At the time, as a grieving parent, I just felt I needed some support, I needed something. I was Googling, looking for that something, and then I came across Anam Cara and realised that they hold a monthly meeting in Armagh City Hotel, which for me was convenient. That’s how I joined up initially.
“As a bereaved parent I felt as if I was alone. I knew I wasn’t the only bereaved parent, but I didn’t realise that there were as many out there.
“ Whenever I walked into that room, you’re in a room where everyone in that room is a bereaved parent, so everyone knows how you feel. Everyone knows your exterior complexion, but inside your heart’s breaking.
“They know that coming up to Christmas is terrible; New Year, birthdays, Easter, all the Mothers Days, all those type of things, all those days that everybody on the outside world celebrate, they know that at those meetings there would be topics at those points and everybody can come together, and you’ve got listening ears of other parents, who know how you feel.
“Or, if they’re having a bad week, they’re able to come in and get out what’s in their head or what they’re going through. Some people are going through inquests, court cases, and some just the general day-to-day of living without your child.
“You know that it’s a safe space where you can talk openly and say things that you wouldn’t say to other people. You know that other people are going to nod in agreement and go, yes, that has happened to me, yes, that’s how I feel or that happened to me and this is what I did or in hindsight this is what I could have done.
“You’re just able to get help and support. It’s just like a family, to be honest.”
When Jeni died, her family and friends were devastated. It was a tragedy beyond words, so unexpected and so unfair.
And Sandra, looking back to that time and a telephone call from the police, recalls being told that her daughter was gone and knowing life would never be the same again.
“Your world just stops,” she said. “You’re looking out on a world that’s busy and other people are moving on with their life and your life has stopped. Normal, as you knew it, is no longer normal.
“Even six years later, if somebody says something to me, such and such happened, or can you remember when such and such happened, in my head, I’m thinking ‘was that before Jeni or after Jeni?’. Your life becomes divided into this before and after.
“It’s very, very difficult to get on track and keep on track. There’s not a single day goes by that I don’t have thoughts about Jeni. She’s just in my mind all the time.
“While it’s not as raw as what it had been back then, your life does become consumed with their death and how you can honour them. Even if I’m out and I tend to notice feathers and butterflies and all those type of things I see those as signs from Jeni. What I would have seen beforehand, you wouldn’t have noticed those things, whereas now you’re actively looking for them in your life. You do become a very different person.”
Such a talented young girl, her family and friends were so proud of Jeni and loved her more than words could convey.
“She was fantastic,” adds Sandra. “She was super. She was bright. She was noisy. She had a big infectious laugh. She was the noise in our house. She was the life of our house.
“She had so many friends in all the different walks of life, between school and other things that she got involved in. We had a caravan in Cranfield and she had friends. No matter where you went, Jeni had a following of friends.
“She was doing exceptionally well in school and she was an A star student. She was in the cadets at the Royal School as well, doing really, really well in that.
“She had everything to live for and she wanted to change the world. She wanted to be that big presence in the world and she was certainly a big presence in my life for those 18 years.
“She was heading off to university. She had just turned 18 and there she was, just starting to come into herself and that was cut short in her first night at university.”
Anam Cara has helped and Sandra knows that it can help others, by supporting and leaning on each other.
“It’s one of those things that, unless you need it you’ll not look for it. I didn’t know it existed,” she said. “ I think what they’re trying to do is to publicise it a bit more. We don’t want new members, but there is a lot of bereaved parents out there who don’t know that it exists and don’t know that there is that group of people, that they can go and meet and that will be helpful.
“Some people come to all of the meetings and some people dip in and out as and when they need it, and some people come for a specific length of time, and then they feel as if they can maybe go on with life without attending the meetings. Some people miss the meetings for maybe a number of months or even a year and then come back again, because they go ‘I’ve been through this’, or maybe an inquest has started or something has happened in their life, that they feel that they then need that support again.”
In addition to the monthly meetings at Armagh City Hotel, Anam Cara also have podcasts and hold online Zoom meetings, for those who may not feel ready or wish to attend face-to-face meetings. There is also plenty of information and support and signposting available on their website too.
Sandra still attends meetings in Armagh and has been doing so for the past number of years. She is now a volunteer parent, so as well as being able to share her own experiences with others, she will assist the facilitator overseeing the meeting.
It has made a difference and for anyone who has considered it but not yet decided to attend, for whatever reason, Sandra has these words of encouragement: “ Just go. You’ll not know until you try it.”
“I went in on the first night on my own and it was welcoming arms,” she added, “people chatting to you, people making the effort to come up to you afterwards and talk to you.
“In my circumstances, I know there was a lot of information in the media at the time, so people were able to say ‘I saw that’; even just someone saying, ‘can I see a picture of your child?’. I suppose the important thing is it gives you an opportunity to say your child’s name.
“ In the outside life, some people don’t like you talking about your child all of the time and some people shy away from that conversation, whereas this is a space where you can. In fact, the welcome, going around the room is, we all introduce ourselves, so I would say, ‘I’m Sandra, and I’m here to remember Jeni’. Right from the outset of the meeting, you’re encouraged to use your child’s name and that is key, that is so important.”
It is also important to point out that that there are no expectations of anyone attending; you go on your own terms and know that you are in the presence of others who understand fully what you have been through and what you are still going through.
“You can go in and sit and listen or have a wee cry. We’ll hand you a box of tissues,” said Sandra. “Very often people come in on their first night and they will be very teary, and they might not speak for the first half an hour, but then, as they get confidence, all of a sudden they want to tell you their story and they want to talk about their child. That’s very important, because people don’t get the opportunity in outside life to talk about their child.
“Somebody could maybe spend 10 minutes telling us all about their child and what happened, and how awful it was, and there’ll be a table full of people will just give them that time and listen to them and sympathise with them. Then that person, they might go out of that meeting and feel as if they’ve had space, they’ve had time to talk. That person might come back and back and back. That person might decide after that, no, that was helpful, I don’t need to go again. But equally, you could have somebody who comes in and just listens and doesn’t say a word the whole meeting. They don’t have to.
“I had felt so alone, that I couldn’t bother people who can’t understand. In that room, with other parents, it doesn’t matter how many times you tell your story, people will always listen.
“What you get back is invaluable. There’s always welcoming arms.”
The monthly meetings in Armagh City Hotel are open to all bereaved parents and they can simply turn up on the night.
Meanwhile, renowned psychotherapist and President of the Irish Childhood Bereavement Network, Brid Carroll, will be the guest speaker at two free Belfast bereavement information events run by Anam Cara in conjunction with Cruse Bereavement Support, NI Children’s Hospice and Cancer Fund for Children in Belfast.
The first, at 7pm on April 21 in the Crowne Plaza Hotel, is for parents, while the second at 10am the following morning, April 22, is for professionals who work with bereaved families.Anyone who wants to book to attend the events can do so at: https://www.eventbrite.ie/e/
