After “jotting down” her thoughts, feeling and memories for many years as part of a “therapeutic process”, a survivor of sexual abuse has complied her musings to provide a “quiet but unflinching exploration of what it means to survive in a system that wasn’t built to support survivors”.
Written under a pen name, Anna Kahill’s debut memoir ‘Not the Perfect Victim’ is her own story of surviving childhood trauma, rape in early adulthood, subsequent Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), receiving a late autism diagnosis and navigating the justice system in Northern Ireland as a neurodivergent woman.
As a Newry native, 38-year-old Anna feels her story also reflects the reality of many people across Armagh and Down — particularly those whose experiences have been overlooked or unheard.
And, while she now recognises the power of her voice, she admits she “never set out to write a book” and for many years struggled with debilitating imposter syndrome… to the extent that she left the country entirely.
Speaking to Armagh I, Anna reflected on how it all came to be: “I didn’t wake up one day and say I was going to write a book.
“I started jotting down thoughts and feelings once I went into therapy following my mum’s death in 2021. I didn’t set out to write a book, the book just happened.
“One day I was literally just reading a piece out to my husband and he stopped doing what he was doing and said it sounded like it was out of a book… but I thought nothing of it.
“Then a few weeks later I read it out to my sister and brother-in-law and he asked what book I was reading from and I told him it was my own writing and he couldn’t believe it.”
When she returned home, Anna went through her collection of writings which, she says, were “scattered” across her computer hard drive and desktop. When she sat down and took stock of it all, she realised “there was a book sitting there” and that’s where the idea came from.
She hopes that in her bravery of laying it all bare, others will take comfort in knowing they are not alone or, for those with less of a personal understanding of Anna’s situation, will have a deeper understanding of the complexities of being a survivor of sexual assault.
“I am hoping that other survivors and victims feel less alone,” said the author. “I hope that people who support victims and survivors, who maybe don’t really know what it’s like for them and what they go through, that the book will offer that insight and to all the internal processes that can go on inside someone’s mind.
“The journey isn’t over. I’m still in therapy. It’s a continuous process and the book offers a snapshot into where I’m at in my life at the minute but if someone said to me in ten years do I still think the same or feel the same there is a possibility that might change – but that’s the beauty of being human and that’s the beauty of growth.”
She regards ‘Not the Perfect Victim’ as a “gutsy” book. One that goes where others dare not.
Taking on what she sees as the failings of the criminal justice system, Anna explains: “I blame my own neurodivergence, my autism and my sense of social justice. There’s probably a natural bit of an advocate in me and I’m not as afraid as others to call things out, questions things and speak out.
“There is quite a lot of that in the latter chapters of the book where I talk about my experience of the criminal justice system, when I talk about what I learned in reading other survivors stories and I do say things and write things that others wouldn’t dare say out loud.”
The Anna of 2009 would never have conceived of a future where she was the advocating voice, sharing her deepest thoughts and feelings of the most earth-shattering moments in her life. The Anna of 2009 just wanted to run away… and she did.
Having found herself in the strangle of extreme anxiety, Anna moved to Italy after graduating from her Pharmacy degree at Queen’s University.
“My travelling was probably reflective of my internal struggles,” she explained. “With all the trauma I was carrying and dealing with, I was suffering from mental health issues but I couldn’t identify what it was at that time.
“I didn’t know what was causing that or that I was dealing with PTSD. I just internalised it and thought it was who I was.
“I just thought I was highly anxious and there was something wrong with my character and I developed a very strong case of imposter syndrome. I was so frightened of going to work, of being in the public and taking on a responsible role.
“I ended up dealing with unemployment and I felt I needed to escape and get out of the place where people knew me. I didn’t feel safe anymore in Ireland.”
She moved to Italy on a graduate programme for six months and then returned home briefly before once again packing up and moving to Switzerland with her husband where they stayed for seven years.
After having their first son, Anna and her husband returned to Newry to be closer to her support network.
However, shortly after their return Anna’s mum – who had been fighting cancer – sadly passed away and her death was the catalyst that sent Anna seeking therapy.
“That for me was the breaking point where I could no longer put on masks and pretend to be ok. That’s how I ended up in therapy and then unravelling everything else,” said Anna.
Today, she understands the importance of that unravelling. Her later life diagnosis of autism has also allowed her to better know herself and her actions… and for both of those things she credits her son for being the inspiration.
Said Anna: “He was the cold and broken hallelujah for me to actually seek therapy. It was him that saved me really.
“In parallel with my own therapy journey we had been going through a process with my son because we had been seeing signs and symptoms of neurodiversity with him.
“Things just started coming together and there was a realisation that I might be neurodiverse. So then I went and got an assessment and I’ve been formally diagnosed as autistic and most recently with ADHD and dyslexia – which I haven’t even put in the book. That all came after.
“It’s a weight off my shoulders in a way. I used to carry a lot of self-blame and responsibility for things that maybe weren’t my fault. It was just maybe the way I was and who I was. I am learning that I am just different and that’s ok.
“I have a habit of masking and that’s not easy to break but now it just takes the edge off and I can just try to be a wee bit more myself.”
While she said she’s not “ready to talk” about her childhood experiences, she does “hint” at it in the book and explains that her diagnosis of autism has certainly helped her reflect on those experiences and “give answers” to how relationships formed and how certain things came to pass.
In terms of finding justice, Anna says, “No, I don’t know if any victim or survivor ever feels like they have justice, in truth.
“Even the ones who get to court, it’s an ordeal. It’s re-traumatising, it’s horrendous, they are re-victimised, they are gaslit, they are attacked. I don’t know if there is justice. Even for those who do go to prison, the victims still have to live with that trauma for the rest of their lives.
“The systems need to catch up. The legal and criminal justice system is still under a prehistoric legal framework.”
Anna hopes the book will function as a “call to action” and through its success she would also love to support the charity which supported her, Advocacy VSV.
Not the Perfect Victim is scheduled for publication in early September 2025. Details can be found via Anna’s website here.
If you are struggling with any of the issues outlined above you can seek support through the following organisations:
Advocacy VSV – Advocacy VSV is based in the Newry and Mourne area and offer a support service to Victims of Sexual Violence living in the Southern Trust.
Nexus – Nexus is the leading organisation within Northern Ireland (NI) supporting individuals impacted by sexual abuse and abusive relationships.
Women’s Aid Armagh Down – Women’s Aid is the leading agency tackling domestic/sexual abuse and seeks through its work to promote healthy, non-abusive relationships.
Autism Connect through Bolster Community – Autism Connect is a Social Hub aimed at supporting adults (18 years +) with an autism and/or neurodiverse diagnosis but without a learning disability or mental health co-morbidity (i.e. not able to access support through other avenues), and living in the Southern Trust region.
Neurodiversity SPARK – Neurodiversity SPARK provides peer-led support, advocacy, and education for neurodivergent individuals and families in Northern Ireland.
