An “anonymous contributor” of a Tullysaran-centric community page has published their comical “Tullysaran Christmas Wish List”… and if all their wishes were granted it would not only serve to make Tullysaran a more peaceful place… but also the world at large.
The letter addressed to the big, jolly Christmas wish granter himself, was shared by Facebook group ‘Tullysaran Times’ and it gets straight down to business – so we will too.
It reads: “Dear Santa, I will not waste your time with small talk. The serious matters come first.
“I would like peace in Gaza and across Europe, an end to the awful rise in domestic violence in Ireland, and for someone with actual authority to sort out the dangerous junction at Kilpatrick’s. If you can manage those, the rest will feel like child’s play.”
Like all wishes… there has to be a little something in there for the wish-maker!
And, so it continues: “Ireland qualifying for the World Cup would be welcome. Armagh lifting the All-Ireland Senior Championship would be even better. Please keep Tullysaran’s GAA work thriving because they have been a lifeline for young people and deserve every bit of support.
“Health and happiness for everyone would do no harm. Holding the price of a pint steady might be even trickier, though you never know. If you could find a way to cut the hospital waiting lists, I would be impressed, although I accept that might be beyond even your skill set.
“On the lighter side, one full weekend a year without sudden rain would feel like a miracle. It would also help if people who stand two feet behind you in a queue breathing down your neck were sent on a short training course. TV adverts could stop going twenty decibels louder than the programme unless they intend to fund national blood pressure medication.”
It wouldn’t do not to add a few more localised requests! And so, they request: “Dog walkers might also pick up after their pets, especially on Artasooley footpaths where the consequences tend to be athletic. And if self-checkouts would stop accusing everyone of “unexpected item in the bagging area”, morale would improve nationwide.
“While we are on public behaviour, it would be appreciated if drivers actually observed the 30mph limit through Artasooley. There are young children about and an ageing plumber who would like to remain mobile.
“A few cultural requests. Miracle on 34th Street should be shown every day in December. A new Equalizer film would be welcome too. And if you could quietly move a certain bricklayer-turned-tiler off the pub’s naughty list, the atmosphere would improve considerably.
“As for local aspirations, it would be fitting for Tullysaran, the only place in Ireland with a cardinal in residence, to see its chapel upgraded to basilica status. You can manage the paperwork.
“Beyond that, I would appreciate potholes being consigned to history and the Point Road becoming a dual carriageway. Ten pull-ups in 2026 would be welcome, although replacement shoulders may be needed. Reality TV could do worse than follow the Tullysaran road bowls, who already provide more drama than anything on Big Brother. An amnesty on the mysterious bottles at the back of the cupboard might tidy things up. It would also be useful if shoppers stopped treating the petrol pumps at McAnallen’s as a car park.
“On football, Manchester United could stand to win a bit more often, but not too often. I rely on the occasional victory to confirm that my long-suffering Benburb Man United friends are still alive.
“Please ensure that the Artasooley Santa is out on Christmas Eve with his bell, sending children to bed with suitable urgency. And if you could arrange a few winners at the races, I would not complain.
“A happy Christmas to all readers of the Tullysaran Times.”
It got the team at Armagh I thinking… what would we put on our wish list?
Perhaps, it would go a little like this… Dear Santa, we would be very grateful if you could start by bringing the Armagh train station back for 2026. Either that or build a bypass – we’re not fussy.
A certain dog-loving member of our team asks kindly for a water tap on the Mall… and she says she’s not alone!
I know it’s been said time and time again but we all really, really want a McDonald’s. How can we be the only city in Europe without one? It hardly seems fair.
And we know you’ll remember The Arena. In it’s not too much trouble it would be nice to have it back in time for New Year’s Eve… please and thank you.
For the runners among us – and as we do host the International Road Race every year – it would be great to see a new track built somewhere convenient.
We might be talking an investment of a few billion at this stage but we hear you’re good for it… my kids somehow always manage to get what they ask for no matter the cost! And just on this, if you could wipe last year’s Christmas debt that would be a huge help!
But ultimately, if we could just have a happy and healthy Co Armagh and beyond we would be over the moon. Keep the footfall on the high street, keep the shop shutters open, get a few more businesses into those vacant units and you’ll see smiles on more faces than just our three.
