As a political representative, I have met and supported constituents suffering coercive and narcissistic abuse, one of the most devastating and least understood experiences, writes Newry and Armagh MLA Aoife Finnegan.
This type of insidious abuse does not always leave physical marks. It is abuse through manipulation, control, deliberate estrangement, and isolation. It is calculated and often carried out by those who regard themselves as blameless and who are at times supported in that belief by others.
I have spoken out publicly in the wake of women recently killed as a result of domestic violence. But I also know that abuse takes many forms. Some abuse ends lives. But it can also destroy lives slowly, stripping away relationships, dignity, and hope.
For a long time, I didn’t speak about this publicly, partly because of what I have witnessed in my work, and also from my own experience of seeing how easily truth can be distorted and how victims can be made to feel responsible for the harm done to them.
I have seen how control can continue long after separation, and how systems intended to protect can sometimes deepen the pain.
Family courts are often used as a form of coercive control when they are meant to protect the victim. There is legislation in place but more needs to be done to change the culture.
I would urge the Justice Minister to urgently put in place all the protections contained in the Domestic Abuse and Civil Proceedings Act 2021 and to ensure that family courts are a place of protection and are never misused as a vehicle of coercive control.
I have felt the pain of simply surviving, weighed down by shame and fearing the backlash that might come from speaking openly. And so many of my conversations with women who have shared this pain, take place behind closed doors, whispered and hidden, because this is an abuse society does not yet know how to face.
This abuse isolates and silences. But I will no longer be silent.
I will be engaging with survivors, Women’s Aid, journalists, and professionals in this field to help ensure that the reality of this hidden abuse is brought into the light.
I will continue to educate myself, to stand with those enduring it, and to speak out, even when it is uncomfortable, even when it challenges and positively critiques the systems we depend on to protect people.
To those suffering right now, I see you, I believe you, and you are not alone.
